I must admit I am a bit overweight. I used to be in very good shape, and quite skinny, but undergoing several years of undergraduate study, and the realization that food can keep you awake, my Freshman 15 went to Freshman 45. I confess openly however, that while I am now insecure about my body, I’d also enjoy being a bit overweight. I like the curves. 🙂
Recent picture-taking has revealed I am heavier than I think I am (or does the camera add 10 lbs?) and that is not a realization I was happy to confront. I’ve become a bit … wary of seeing my own picture, and tend to shy away from the camera now, but it has never been more serious than that. I love my body. Despite these positive feelings, a recent event made me insecure – leading to a startling realization that all this fat was starting to mess with my brain.
I had the pleasure of attending a university prom recently. I went with my BF – a sweet, wonderful, nice guy. We’ve been dating for a while, and we’re tight. I think he really likes me, and I like him a lot too – in simple terms, we get along great and we trust each other. No insecurities there. I had a great time at this prom until a small event happened right at the end. During the prom, a very beautiful, sexy young woman (an acquaintance of mine – great girl) was dancing on the dance floor, at the same time as my BF. I got the impression she didn’t see me behind him (though she did meet me at the event earlier that evening, so she knew I was there). Anyways, she motioned to my BF (you know, the ‘come hither’ move, with the “come here” hand guesture, and did a very sexy dance strut up to him. They proceeded to dance quite … quite intimately (which surprised me – very unlike my BF) until the young woman caught site of my BF’s friend frantic “cut it out” hand gesture, motioning to my presence.
This rather awkward scenario led to the hot rush of humiliation to my face. Contrary to what most readers may think, it wasn’t the dancing that bothered me. In fact, I’m very secure in my relationship, and, in addition, my constant close friendship with the opposite sex means my BF and I try not to jump all over each in anger about friends of the opposite sex.
As a result, the humiliation caught me off-guard – because it was a moment of great insecurity and vulnerability. Right in that moment, I realized that while I was threatened by this beautiful young lady, I was obviously no competition to her: she could dance intimately with my BF, in public, in front of me, without any concerns. Suddenly, I felt completely insignificant and invisible as I watched them. I felt ashamed of my body, and how I look – that I didn’t feel “hot enough” to compete with her. I could never wear the dress she was wearing, or look as good as she was looking.
A bit of careful reflection made me realize that I’ve become insecure, because I am overweight: which is surprising for me, as I am a very confident young lady. Have you ever found yourself in this situation? Do you find that, in a singular moment, you look at yourself and feel … insecure and a bit uncomfortable with yourself solely because of your weight?
I must confess, I left the event a bit angry at this young woman – but later reflection made me realize I shouldn’t have. As a very, very special lady once said “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” I guess Eleanor Roosevelt’s words should be kept in mind by individuals of all shapes and sizes – feel insecure has nothing to do with others, because in that moment, it is not that you are allowing someone to make you lower, but you are allowing yourself to be inferior.
A penny for your thoughts …